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Red, White & Blues FC | Old FC: Lacroix, Welbeck, Henderson, and a Squad Nobody Will Buy

Chelsea finally bought a center back, then signed two 35-year-olds, and still haven’t sold a single one of the players clogging the squad. Daniel called it. Jason owes him a rubber duck.

Daniel predicted on Monday that Chelsea were turning into Old FC, and by Thursday the club had gone and proved him right, so the predictions baton — an actual rubber duck — changes hands next weekend. This is a pure transfer episode: Maxence Lacroix in from Crystal Palace for £52m, Danny Welbeck in from Brighton, Jordan Henderson in on a free, and absolutely nobody going the other way. We save the UEFA and Infantino mess for Monday. What we’ve got here instead is a squad getting more bloated by the week, a set of owners who still can’t sell anybody, and one manager we’re both quietly leaning on to make sense of it all.

Maxence Lacroix, or “Mid With Hope”

The center back BlueCo couldn’t get for our manager last summer finally arrives — £52m, 26 years old, and the first player over 26 Chelsea have signed since 2022. Jason’s verdict lands on a phrase we’re keeping: mid with hope. Lacroix is Premier League proven with a genuinely excellent injury record — barely a match missed since arriving in England, one 71-day shoulder problem at Wolfsburg, and a bout of COVID. But he’s a back-three center back who played in a back three at Palace, and if you stick him next to Levi Colwill in a four, we’re worried. When Saliba went off at the World Cup and Lacroix came in, France’s defense fell apart and he had a couple of knucklehead moments. And the comparison set is the problem: is he better than Wesley Fofana, Trevoh Chalobah, Axel Disasi, Benoît Badiashile? Probably. By how much? We wanted a stalwart to lock down next to Colwill for six years. We got another player we’ll be arguing about in January.

And What Happens to Josh Acheampong?

The saddest thread of the night. Simon Johnson reported Chelsea rate Josh Acheampong so highly they’ve labeled him untouchable and keep rebuffing approaches — while simultaneously signing over the top of him and barely playing him. Maresca gave him almost nothing last season, which made it close to a wasted year, and now Lacroix arrives on the right side of the defense and blocks him again. We both want the same thing for him: a loan. It’s exactly what worked for Colwill, who went out twice and came back a starter. Send him to a Championship side, send him to a bottom-half Premier League club, hell, send him to Lamps at Coventry — anything but another season of training at Cobham. If Josh comes out and asks to leave, neither of us would be shocked, and neither of us would blame him.

Old FC Arrives: Welbeck, Henderson, and the Pendulum Problem

Then the big one. Two 35-plus signings in a week — Danny Welbeck from Brighton for an undisclosed fee, and Jordan Henderson on a free. Welbeck, Daniel can be talked into: one of the league’s best bench goalscorers, and he’s personally tormented Chelsea for three years, so at minimum we stop suffering. But the fee being undisclosed tells Daniel we overpaid, and because it’s Brighton, we definitely overpaid. Henderson, though, nobody can sell us on. He’s not closing out matches at 36, and the “he’ll bring maturity and help Xabi from the sideline” argument doesn’t land when we’re still a squad of shitheads who’ll do shithead things. The deeper frustration is that this is BlueCo overcorrecting: Chelsea fans asked for experience for four years, and instead of a 27- or 28-year-old who can still contribute, the pendulum swung straight past to two guys a step from retirement. The Reddit meme says it best — red pill, blue pill, below 21 or above 35, pick your poison. And it’s not like there was competition. There was no secret race for Danny Welbeck.

The Real Problem: Chelsea Can’t Sell Anybody

Underneath every complaint tonight is the same structural issue. Chelsea bring in a fourth backup striker while Nicolas Jackson, Liam Delap, and Marc Guiu are all still here. They buy shitty players, then demand astronomical fees for those shitty players because they’re trying to recoup, which is exactly why Badiashile’s fee can’t be agreed and why Disasi can’t be shifted. Delap cost £30m, got hurt for a chunk of the season, scored two goals in the League Cup, and is now valued at £35–40m — which only works if you find another sucker club, and Arsenal can’t be the sucker club every single window. Jackson’s valued around $60m, which is the same overvaluation that pushed him out on loan to Bayern last year. Add the loans we part-subsidize and the picture is a club that talks about buying while the bloat gets worse. Elsewhere in the rumor pile: Badiashile to Napoli on loan with an option nobody expects Napoli to exercise, Filip Jørgensen off the tour and headed to Strasbourg (our sincere apologies, Strasbourg — you’ve deserved better, and you’ve had Andrey Santos and Emegha work out fine), Pedro Neto priced somewhere near £70–80m because Chelsea are using this summer’s winger fees as their benchmark, Kendry Páez on the loan list again with attitude questions, Kerim Alajbegović off to Juventus rather than be a project player here, Murillo linked out of a Brazilian outlet, Alex Scott still circling as the midfielder we’d sign only if Enzo goes, and Mamadou Sarr needing an English loan after we wrecked his season for no reason.

Lewis Hall, and the Part That Actually Hurts

The one that gets us: Chelsea want Lewis Hall back. Our own academy player, sold by BlueCo, now reportedly no fan of the club, and the plan is apparently to lean on Xabi Alonso to charm him home. We both like Hall. That’s the point. Buying back a homegrown kid you never should have sold doesn’t read as humility, it reads as incompetence — and what does it do to your precious pure-profit column? That takes us into the closing rant, and it’s the honest one. We’re watching a club run by people who are demonstrably brilliant at private equity and demonstrably clueless at football, and Paul Winstanley and Laurence Stewart should have been gone years ago instead of collecting raises. Jason’s tempering the hype this time — he rode the train last season and it blew up — but he’ll admit Xabi is the only reason any of this holds together, because unlike the last few, this one has actually walked the walk. And Daniel’s first bold prediction of the season: Jordan Henderson will spend more time in the infirmary with Roméo Lavia than with any other midfielder. Lavia, naturally, is already hurt. It’s preseason.

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